A contemplative personal post

Hi everyone, this week’s personal post is one I had a bit of difficulty trying to write up. I was thinking about writing a letter to my dad telling him how much we missed him but I changed my mind halfway through it. Several workshopped ideas later, I came up with an advice letter to my past sixteen-year-old self. So, if you want to have a peek at what I ended up writing, press the button below…

Dear Surani,

I’m sending this letter to you three days before I turn forty-eight. I know, I’ve waited far longer than anticipated in writing this down so please bear with me.

Looking back over the last thirty-odd years, there’s so many life experiences that have shaped me and things I wish I had known at the age of sixteen. I don’t want to give away too much on what’s to come, but I’d like to give you a little guidance to survive the next decade or so. 

First things first, you need to start eating healthy food and try to stop eating sweets, especially in secret!! It’s the worst food habit you have, and twenty-six-year-old me and forty-four-year-old me will be very happy if you start better food habits now. 

You’re enjoying your time at high school now, experiencing all sorts of new things. It’s much different than boarding school isn’t it?! The teenage boys around you are distracting and noisy, but they’ll make the best stories in your future. My advice for the next few years in high school is to enjoy every single day, even the embarrassing and cringe worthy ones. Feeling embarrassment is natural at this stage in your life. I know you’re reserved and shy, especially after that particular Biology lesson on reproduction. And I know you’re re-thinking on whether to ask ammi and thathi the questions you have. They are actually really good listeners and can help you solve most of your problems, but I know you didn’t ask them about this. Don’t feel ashamed, Surani, because your journey to these answers actually serve a purpose in the future. 

The coursework is varied and gets you thinking doesn’t it? Geography is turning out to be your strong suit compared to Physics isn’t it? And doesn’t Mr. A. make it come alive with his teaching?! I know you work hard at your lessons as ammi and thathi always tells you to study to reach your goal of getting into a good university. I also know that you’ve made it your own goal for further studies, but don’t forget to give yourself a break every now and then. Don’t sweat it with the maths teacher, it’s not worth agonising over. You know deep down that you’re good with numbers. Keep on with your writing, read as much as you can, and enjoy the little things in life. Enjoy the weekend trips ammi plan with the cousins, laugh as much as you can with the siblings, and forget how much you hate those white pants!! They’re meant to be drenched in mud puddles while trekking to that waterfall!! The piece of advice here is to not stress over every little thing and take each day at a time. This is one thing that will work in your favour as you grow older. Hang on to this and keep it a part of your manifesto in life.

The transition from life in Zambia to Sri Lanka has been taxing hasn’t it. You’re older now and life is challenging with that massive commute to school, the relationship you have with the siblings and that general feeling of living to everyone’s expectation as the ‘good big sister’ who listens to the parents. I know that the strain is a bit tiring, I’m going through something similar now. Hang in there Surani, your bond with the siblings won’t change overnight, but you’ll end up being more than a sister to them, especially to little sis who will be more of a best friend!! Your bond will only get stronger with time. There will be obstacles and challenges that will cross your path and test your sisterly bond with them through no fault of yours. You will be tested in so many ways that you might think of giving up, but don’t ever give up on them. They will come through for you when you really need them. Have faith in your bond with your siblings and trust in the Buddhist way of life that ammi and thahi taught you. 

Surani, when it comes to ammi and thathi, there’s so much to discuss. I can’t and won’t go into much detail but you can’t take any moment with them for granted. Treasure them and give them as much love as you can. Keep on being the amazing daughter you are and believe that you are the best thing that’s happened to them. Whatever you do in the next few years, hold on to the good memories you’re creating now. Please don’t get too angry with them for every little failing of theirs, they are as human as you are and those mistakes are theirs not yours. Don’t forget; making mistakes is how we learn things as humans!! We do get through some things that are much bigger and scarier than the minor scares we’ve had over the last sixteen years. Life will change drastically in the next few years and everything you know for sure will be challenged and you will be forced to become an adult much sooner than you think. My advice is to remind yourself of the main Buddhist lessons you learned: the five precepts and the Eightfold Path and you can’t go wrong. 

I’m sorry if this is making you weepy or upset, but I think you need to read this much at least. When it comes to your job, it’s not the one you had in mind from when you were twelve and it won’t be the one you think of when you complete your secondary education either. Your career will definitely be something that brings you immense happiness and you will most definitely find your tribe with the people you work with. Those skills you have since a young age where you categorise your books, colour coordinate your clothes and curate your treasures will come in handy!! Nurture these my friend, and let them become your instincts because they will become part of the steps that help launch you in your chosen career. 

And lastly Surani, I want to talk about the importance of your hobby for reading books and writing stories. Right now you use it to carve time for yourself and distance yourself from the craziness that follows in the whirlwind shape of your siblings. Don’t let anyone make fun of this aspect of you. You hear me Surani, keep on reading and writing. Yes, all you have now is your own set of books and the collection in your uncle’s room, but you just need to hold on for ten more years and you will have so much more at your fingertips. There will be a short chapter when you will be wrenched away from reading but don’t agonize over this. Life has a way of bringing you back on the track to reading again and when you discover blogging your outlook on books and reading will expand exponentially like those mathematical graphs in the movies!! Your writing will get better and you will find ways to learn more and refine your style. Heck you’ll be asked to judge other people’s writing!! Sorry, that was a bit of a spoiler but I just couldn’t contain myself!! 

Surani, I’ll wrap up by bringing to light that although you are quite happy now, your mental health will take a big hit in your late twenties. And over the last few years as life changed again for you, it made an even bigger impact on your mental health. What you need to know is that there is light beyond it and even though circumstances have changed, you have got through it. You have an amazing life that you are immensely proud of and comparing your success to others is counterproductive. 

Surani, remember that you are much braver than you think you are, smarter than others give you credit for and beautiful inside and out!! 

Hold on to your Buddhist beliefs, they will see you through the good and the bad.

The next ten years will test you in more ways than you think. You will get through them and the next ten. The road will be bumpy, have pot holes and you might fall down several times but you will always pick yourself up and find a better path for your life journey. 

Stay strong and keep dreaming. Never, ever stop reading and writing.

Laugh and love with all your might and keep your inner child alive!!

From you aged (almost) forty-eight!!